I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
