1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
