also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
