Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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