a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I smell stomach acid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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