I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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