i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
