I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
