I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
