My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
where are my eyebrows?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
