Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
