Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just found puke in my bra..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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