Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
