I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
