he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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