Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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