My Higher Power is John Stamos
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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