I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
