There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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