I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
