He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
