have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
