I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
