Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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