i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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