I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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