Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
