you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
