I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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