getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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