Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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