Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
