I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
