I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
