She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
