No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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