Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
