TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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