I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize