I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
