i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
