And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
do nipples grow back?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize