dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
