Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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