So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need a beard to bite.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
