If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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