hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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