You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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