She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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