I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
