Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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