I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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