I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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