when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
