it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
