Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize