He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize