my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
