Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
