By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
